7 Myths About Raising Teens

Challenging myths and rethinking how we perceive things can bring us relief and the peace we so desperately crave when raising our teens. And let's be honest, it feels good to have some control, even if it's "all in our head."

The Consequence

The Belief:
There should be some kind of punishment to teach my child to behave.

Let's face it: while we have packaged the term "consequences" very nicely into our parenting repertoire, the effectiveness of removing privileges, grounding, or making someone do something they don't want to is questionable. After years of teaching parenting and raising kids, I can say that, aside from occasional timeouts for anger management, I've used very few consequences or punishments with my children.

I might feel like taking away everything they own when I'm upset with them, but once things calm down, I gain perspective. Kids learn more from natural life experiences, and that learning goes deeper if they have the support of their parents, rather than a fear that their parents will punish them.

Honesty

The Expectation:
My teens should be honest with me.

Let's be real: Are you truly going to stay calm when your teen says, "Today, I took a puff of a joint on my way home from school?" Or, "Right now, my friends feel more important to me than schoolwork," or "Yes, I am having sex."

When parents say they don't trust their teen, they often mean they still expect them to be honest, even if they might get into trouble for it. We make it hard for teens to be honest, and maybe that's not entirely bad. But isn’t there a point when a teen deserves some privacy about their life experiences? Perhaps teens would share more openly if we were less intrusive about their business.

Freedom

The Belief:
Teens need unfettered freedom and less connection with parents.

Actually, true autonomy doesn't exist without a relationship with a parent or caregiver. When we listen to our teen and respect their ideas and values, they develop confidence and a positive sense of self. In this exchange between a teen and a loving adult, true autonomy can flourish. Freedom without connection can simply translate to being "lost."

The Bad Influence

The Story:
A teen's friends will lead them astray.

Like adults, teens tend to choose friends based on shared interests; most close friends will have similar values. These values come from family and are churned, regurgitated, and redefined as something teens call their own. The positive influence of peers is often underrated. Friends can keep each other safe, provide honest feedback, and teach empathy. Friends of the opposite sex can help teens think about what they want in a partner when considering relationships.

Parental judgment about friends, combined with a strained parent-teen relationship, is more likely to lead a child astray—not their friends. So stay cool, don't judge, and maintain your position as a consultant.

Risk

The Fear:
Most teens participate in high-risk behavior.

Eighty percent of teens go through these years without engaging in any high-risk behavior or serious mental health issues. This 80/20 statistic is no different for adults. Teens want to take risks and jump into the adult world. They want to be seen as older and more capable. Risk-taking during the teen years becomes more likely when parents don't give teens enough responsibility. Teens look for ways to meet an urgent need for respect. They want someone to notice and appreciate them doing "older" things. If families applaud their abilities and view them as capable, teens are less likely to turn to groups that engage in riskier behaviors.

Sass

The Complaint:
Defiance and mouthiness show complete disrespect.

Because parents play such a vital role in a teen's self-concept, teens have to work hard to gain validation, fighting for the recognition they desperately need. Shocking parents can be a powerful way for teens to demand they be treated as adults, rather than children. Teens know the value of shock. Appreciate the energy your teen expends to teach you to see them differently. Consider that this behavior isn't disrespect; it's deep love in motion.

Perfection

The Impossible Dream:
As a parent, I should know how to handle everything.

Raising human beings is complex, as are our feelings as parents. There is no exact science to this process of growing people. Not even psychologists, educators, or members of Mensa (the high-IQ society) have all the answers when it comes to parenting. There are many approaches; if what you're doing isn't working, try something else. If you don't have the answers, ask for help. If nothing seems to be working, perhaps you need to adjust your idea of what "working" means.

Accepting that there will be times when you simply don't know what to do is one of the most important aspects of parenting. It keeps us humble, open, and possibly teachable. Just don't be surprised if your guru happens to be your child!