An Adult Relationship

The time of parenting teens is one of intense change. In the earlier stages of raising adolescents, we buckle up, expecting to go through a period of conflict or uncertainty. During those early years, our focus is often on the act of parenting. But ideally, as our teens mature, we begin to parent less, support more, and start sharing a life with a young adult. We start to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

We also begin to envision the freedom that comes with soon-to-be empty bedrooms—perhaps picturing a big-screen TV, more leisure time, and fewer responsibilities. It sounds delightful, doesn’t it? But there’s another change on the horizon: your marriage.

Facing Your Partner Again

When the kids walk out the front door, you may find yourself face-to-face with your partner, realizing you have little to say. If your children have been the focal point of your relationship, it might be time to look across the dinner table and get to know that familiar face once more. After all, in a few short years, that person might become your travel companion. Wouldn't it be nice if you actually enjoyed each other’s company?

Statistics show that couples married for 25 years or more have the second-highest rate of divorce. The reason? Staying together "for the sake of the kids" is no longer an issue. With the challenges of raising children removed, the relationship may feel a bit dull, especially if you haven't made an effort to connect over the years.

Valuable Lessons from Raising Teens

Raising teens has likely taught you valuable lessons about relationships. Living with a teenager has probably required a lot of humility and patience. You may have developed excellent communication skills, like how to listen, speak respectfully, and resolve differences without losing your cool. You've also likely learned that you're not perfect and aren't always right—something your teen might have pointed out many times!

These lessons can be incredibly helpful as you enter the next stage of your marriage.

Taking Responsibility for Your Happiness

One of the most important lessons you might have learned is that you are responsible for your own happiness. Your partner can only fulfill so much of your needs. In his book, How to Be An Adult in Relationships, David Richo suggests, “Mature adults bring a modest expectation of need fulfillment to a partner. They seek only 25 percent of their need fulfillment from someone else, with the other 75 percent coming from self, family, friends, career, hobbies, spirituality/religion, and even pets."

Taking responsibility for your own happiness also sets a wonderful example for your children, allowing them to separate from you without guilt or confusion.

How to Be an Adult in Relationships

A mature relationship accepts that there will be challenges and that the original romantic stage was really just a temporary state of "insanity." Would you honestly want to return to a time when your attraction to your partner was based on something as simple as liking their scent?

It’s likely that neither you nor your partner knew exactly what you were in for when you first got together. How could you have? Even in its mature phase, any relationship will have times of conflict. It's normal to experience phases of feeling unloving, or even fantasizing that your partner might "ride off into the sunset" and never return. Conflict, however, is not only normal; it is a necessary component of any healthy relationship. It allows us to be two separate human beings rather than a single, symbiotic entity. Moving through contention is essential for resting comfortably in commitment.

Building a Foundation of Values and Respect

Looking back, you may realize that what you and your partner shared wasn't just love but also values and respect. You didn't have to agree on everything. Hopefully, over the years, you've learned to disagree with dignity. You might have learned that simply being "right" doesn’t feel so great if it shuts your partner down completely.

Maybe you've found a place for the “yes, dear” moments, as you've learned to compromise for the sake of peace and harmony. And while some may find the only way to achieve peace is through separation, it’s reassuring to know you've tried your best.

A Mature Model for Love

If we're fortunate, we learn that the purpose of a relationship is to experience happiness rather than endure pain. As our adolescent kids begin to navigate their own journey through that intense, romantic kind of love, we can model a mature version of it for them.

Sure, we may seem old and a bit boring in our polyester pants or high-waisted jeans, but we can still demonstrate enduring love, healthy boundaries, conscious choices, and direct, respectful honesty.

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