Anger Chart - Healthy Process for dealing with Strong Emotions

In our chapter titled "The Intelligence of Emotions," we feature an Anger Chart that outlines a healthy process for dealing with strong emotions. During a recent radio show where we discussed anger and the chart, many listeners called in, asking for a copy.

Parenting often brings intense emotions, raising stress levels to an all-time high. What Dr. Miller and I discuss in this chapter is the importance of recognizing the underlying feelings that trigger these emotions. These feelings indicate unmet needs. If you can identify and address these needs early, you have a much greater chance of controlling your behavior when strong emotions arise.

The Anger Acronym: Steps to Awareness

Our chart uses the word "ANGER" as an acronym, encouraging people to recognize early warning signs and take proactive steps. When you feel anger building, it's essential to "get out, gear down," and not deal with the issues until you reach a calmer, more rational state.

A: Attend

Attend to your early signals of anger. Notice what you feel in your body and how you behave. By increasing your awareness of these early signals, you can make conscious choices about your behavior before the anger escalates.

N: Negotiate

Negotiate with those around you about your anger—not about specific issues. Choose distance and time. Discuss this strong emotion with your family and create a signal that indicates you need a timeout, such as "Give me five," "Grumpy guy alert," or "Bag lady alert." You can also negotiate with yourself by choosing to distance yourself until you calm down. Even something as simple as turning your back and taking deep breaths can be effective.

G: Gear Down

Gear Down from behaviors to exploring feelings, and identify them if you can. Pay attention to your own triggering thoughts that may provoke anger. Follow this process:

• G = Get alone
• E = Express your emotions
• A = Analyze your thoughts
• R = Re-examine your beliefs

This process takes time. Articulate your feelings and ask yourself whether they are old or new. Use your feelings to explore your needs, and replace negative trigger thoughts with healing ones.

E: Express

Express your feelings and needs assertively using this formula:
"When you _____, I feel _____ because ______. I want/would like you to _________."

R: Resolve

Resolve issues, if possible. This may be as simple as making a positive request, engaging in conflict resolution, or resolving the issue within yourself. Resolving conflicts prevents old issues and patterns from recurring.

Resolution doesn't have to be complicated, but it cannot exist without the preceding steps. Often, we need to feel anger to recognize a boundary that needs to be addressed.