Balancing Needs At Bedtime

In my September 2003 column, "Bedtime, I Don't Think…", I responded to a question about a 6-year-old girl who had started refusing to go to bed in her own room, even though she had gone to bed peacefully for years. I suggested, "If you have made sure there is no fear involved and the bedtime is appropriate, then you can assume the problem is one of wanting your attention. In that case, the most effective approach is deliberate, studious ignoring. Perhaps your daughter knows she is getting to you, so she escalates the problem. In this case, it might be wiser to lock her door but reassure her that you are awake and would unlock the door if there were any danger."

In this column, I have included suggestions from a reader and responses from my colleague Allison Rees, who currently teaches the LIFE seminars we developed together.

Concerns About Confinement

A reader wrote: "I am quite concerned about parents forcibly confining a child to her room. I worry that if this route is chosen, the situation could escalate and the child may experience emotional or physical harm. The fine line between confinement and abuse could easily be crossed."

Clarifying Confinement vs. Boundaries

Let's be clear: confinement means forcing a child to stay in her room when she would normally have the freedom to move around the house. Expecting a child to go to bed at bedtime is not the same as confinement. It is about setting boundaries — telling the child that parents have needs too, and that she should not interrupt them when they need to be alone and she needs sleep.

A six-year-old is old enough to learn these limits. She is not being tied to her bed or forced to have the light out; she is simply being asked to stay in her room. It is important for children to learn to respect adults' needs.

Exploring the Underlying Causes

The reader also suggested exploring potential reasons for the child's behavior: "There could be reasons other than fear for a child to resist sleep or need a loving adult at bedtime. She might be anxious about starting school, peer relationships, a move, a new sibling, or a parent returning to work. She may have become aware of her parents' mortality due to a death in the family, a pet, or even a celebrity. Children may sense parental concern about world events and feel stressed as a result."

These are valid points. We parents often react to a child's behavior with consequences before we understand the causes. It is crucial to explore these causes thoroughly before taking action.

How to Explore the Causes

The reader continued: "It may be asking a lot of a child of six to identify all her possible fears and concerns. Young children often have difficulty articulating their feelings, which is why therapists use expressive or play therapies. It may help the parents realize that their child is telling them something is wrong, even if she just feels more needy than usual."

This could indeed be the case. It is important for the parents to spend relaxed time with their daughter, allowing her to express what is bothering her. Some children try to stay up at night because it is the only time they have with their parents.

Addressing the Problem

However, the problem persists. The child's mother wrote: "She wants us to lie down with her and refuses to stay in her room. We refuse, and she throws a tantrum… This tantrum usually lasts until about ten o'clock every night. I feel she is trying to manipulate us, and I get very resentful. Please help. We are getting to the point where we dread every evening."

The reader suggested: "Even if there seems to be no clear reason for the child's distress, giving her extra attention for a little while will not spoil her. Instead, it can strengthen a compassionate and caring relationship. It may be temporarily frustrating for the parents if they do not have their usual freedom in the evenings, but investing in their child now will only ease transitions in their relationship down the road."

Encouraging Problem-Solving

The reader provided these suggestions: "The parents could have their child participate in a problem-solving session to generate alternatives, such as altering the routine to include more time with the child after 'lights out' or allowing her to fall asleep in the parents' bed. This helps the child feel empowered, which can improve her self-confidence and sense of control."

However, while this approach may be helpful, there is a balance to maintain. Giving in too much can lead the child to feel entitled to override others' needs. Sleeping with the parents as a solution can give the child undue power over her parents' needs and personal boundaries. The child needs to learn that her parents have needs too.

The Importance of Teaching Respect for Boundaries

Remember, we are talking about a six-year-old, not a toddler. At this age, she needs to learn that parents have needs. Values teaching involves teaching a child to respect others' needs and feelings. The child’s needs and feelings should be respected, but she also needs to learn to do this for others. A problem-solving session can be useful if the parents and child have the right to veto some alternatives.

It's true that children can distance themselves in adolescence, particularly if parents are overly involved. Introducing a child to the independence and responsibility of sleeping alone is an important step toward developing maturity.

Avoid Spoiling While Maintaining Balance

Children can indeed be spoiled when parents give in to their every whim rather than asserting the importance of their and others' personal boundaries. Extra attention is fine during the day, but not at night when a child needs sleep, and the parents need time alone. A consistent bedtime routine with time to talk, followed by firm insistence that the child stay in her room, is a good way to assert these limits.

Different Approaches to Bedtime

There are two main approaches recommended by professionals:

1. Ferber Method: Richard Ferber's book, "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems," suggests that a child who falls asleep with a parent present may come to feel they need that presence. Ferber recommends a period of withdrawal.
2. No-Cry Sleep Method: Elizabeth Pantley's "No-Cry Sleep Method" offers alternatives for parents who do not wish to let their child "cry it out."

Parents should explore these methods and choose what works best for them.

Consistency and Boundaries

Many parents make the mistake of letting a child cry, then giving in, teaching the child to cry longer because they know their parents will eventually relent. If all alternatives have been tried, parents need to be consistent and firm, ensuring the child stays in her room after a certain time.

Balancing Love and Boundaries

Clear boundaries around bedtime do not undermine trust or communication. A loving connection can be nurtured within a framework of healthy boundaries. Parents can check in with the child, but if she continues to come out of her room, they must stand firm. This approach prevents burnout and teaches respect for personal boundaries.