Becoming a Winning Loser

My son is a poor loser—whether it's at sports, board games, or other activities. How do I approach this issue?

Understanding the Issue

It's quite normal for young children (up to about 10 years old) to feel upset about losing games. Remember what it was like to be smaller and less capable or coordinated than everyone else? As a child, you don't fully grasp that your physical and intellectual abilities will develop over time, and eventually, you'll be able to match those you play with. Instead, it often feels like you're just not as "good" as other people.

If your son feels like he always loses, it's important to give him the chance to express his feelings. This allows him to feel heard and understood. After he has shared, talk with him about how we learn from our failures and gradually become better at things when we keep trying. Use personal examples if you can.

Listening First

Be sure not to give this "lecture" until after you've listened to how he feels and sympathized with him. Make sure he knows that his feelings are valid before offering advice or strategies.

Create Balanced Opportunities for Competition

Set your son up with opportunities for competition where he's evenly matched. Choose games like Yahtzee, which depend more on luck than skill, so that he will win half the time and lose half the time. When you lose, set an example of losing graciously by saying something like:

• "Oh well, it was fun playing, even if I didn't win."
• Congratulate him on his win.
• Offer to play another game, even though you lost.

This gives him the opportunity to feel good about winning while also learning from your example of handling losses.

Model Resilience During Mistakes

During games, if you make a mistake (and it can be intentional), show him how to handle it gracefully. Laugh at yourself and say something like:

• "Well, I know what not to do next time."

This helps him learn to handle his own mistakes with humor and patience.

Addressing Upset Reactions

If your son becomes upset when he loses, simply sympathize and mention that he may have a chance to win next time. If he refuses to play, yells, or throws the game equipment, don't try to reason with him immediately. He can't hear you when he's so upset. Instead:

1. Stop the game without further discussion.
2. Later, when he's calm, point out that:
   • The game offers equal chances to win or lose.
   • It's not fun to play with someone who yells or throws things.
   • You will only play if that behavior doesn't happen.

Explain that even if he loses, he can still be a "winner" by being a good sport and helping everyone enjoy the game.

Consider Who He's Playing With

Who else is your son playing games with? A younger child might struggle playing with older siblings who are more competitive, always win, and may gloat when they do. To help:

• Set up a system of "handicaps," similar to golf, so that he has a fairer chance to "win" when handicaps are considered.
• This can apply to both sports and board games.
• Observe how the older kids play, and speak to them about not gloating.

Break the Cycle of Poor Sportsmanship

Recognize that the older children might be gloating because your son is a poor loser, creating a vicious cycle. Consider establishing "rules of games" that focus on positive behavior during play.

Also, ensure that all children know some games that do not depend upon size and skill to win.