Biting Your Buddies

Parent Concern: I regularly attend a playgroup with my 2 ½-year-old son. My son really enjoys himself but sometimes gets a bit rambunctious. His most troubling behavior is occasional biting, which started around 1 ½ years old. We go through periods when he doesn’t bite, but then it starts again. I've noticed he gets frustrated and almost "vibrates" before he lunges to bite, often when another child is "in his face." Fatigue and hunger can play a role, but we’re trying to minimize those effects. The most recent incident happened at playgroup—he bit an 18-month-old, and her mother reacted very strongly, saying, "I can't believe he bit her. If my child bit, I wouldn't bring him to playgroup!" My husband and I were shocked by her reaction. What can we do to curb the biting? We don't want a 5-year-old biter. And how can we deal with other parents' reactions?

What You're Doing Right

First of all, it sounds like you're already doing many of the right things to address this behavior:

• Recognizing Normal Behavior: You understand that his behavior is typical for his age and a result of frustration and an inability to express his feelings. It doesn’t mean he is a bad child, and with the proper guidance, he will grow out of this behavior.
• Identifying Stress Factors: You've identified things like fatigue and hunger that make your son more vulnerable to stress and are actively working to reduce these triggers.
• Teaching Empathy: You talk to your son about how biting hurts others and makes them sad. This is a form of empathy training. If he isn’t quite getting it, you can make it more concrete by gently picking up his arm, pretending to bite it, and asking him how it would feel if you did. Young children are often quite egocentric, so using a real-life example can help him understand what the other person feels.
• Avoiding Physical Punishment: You wisely avoid physical punishment, as this would only teach him that bigger people have the right to hurt smaller ones—exactly the opposite of what you want him to learn.
• Removing Him from the Situation: You remove your son from the situation whenever he bites, which eliminates any potential reward he might get from biting and reinforces that he can only play with other children if he treats them kindly.

Additional Strategies to Consider

Here are a few more suggestions to help curb the biting:

1. Teach Alternative Responses: Encourage your son to use other strategies when he feels frustrated or angry. Teach him to run away instead of biting and to use words if he knows some—simple phrases like "No!" or "Don't!" can be very effective. At his age, he might struggle to find the right words to express his feelings, so he resorts to biting. Work on identifying feelings (mad, sad, happy, hungry, etc.) and practice expressing them in words. This can also help him communicate when his boundaries are violated with phrases like "No" or "Don't." Your local library likely has children's books on these topics that can help.
2. Role-Playing and Practice: Engage in role-playing games where you practice scenarios that might trigger his biting, teaching him to respond in non-physical ways. This can help reinforce new habits.
3. Modeling and Reinforcement: Show him positive examples of behavior, and praise him when he handles frustration or conflicts well. Positive reinforcement can be more effective than punishing bad behavior.

Dealing with Other Parents’ Reactions

Handling other parents' reactions can be tricky, especially when their children are affected. Your initial thought—"Wait until 24 months, lady!"—was understandable, but of course, saying that would be your equivalent of biting back.

Instead, try these approaches:

• Express Empathy: When another child is hurt, express empathy to the parent. Acknowledge their concern and let them know the steps you’re taking to address the issue. Emphasize that your son is still learning how to socialize and that he won’t learn these skills if he’s isolated from other children.
• Stay Calm and Confident: If a parent remains judgmental or self-righteous, remind yourself that every child has difficult stages, and other parents may not yet understand. Silently tell yourself, "Just wait till your child’s a little older," and maintain your composure.