Can a 4-Year-Old Have an "Attitude"

My four-year-old daughter was raised by my parents for a couple of years while I finished my schooling, and she moved in with me in September. I have always been actively involved in her upbringing and discipline, and her father sees her every other weekend. Recently, she has developed an attitude where she doesn't feel she has to talk to anyone — not even saying 'hi' or 'bye' to teachers, her grandparents, myself, or my live-in boyfriend, who has been living with us since December.

In the past week, she has been extremely rude to both myself and my boyfriend. He is very good with her and is trying hard to become a part of her life. I am very worried and wondering where this attitude and rudeness is coming from. I've told her we will no longer tolerate it and will start taking away some of the things we give her on a regular basis, such as fun outings. My boyfriend and I have had heart-to-heart talks with her, stressing that her attitude reflects how people will perceive her, and emphasizing the importance of manners and being kind to others.

She is really testing my boyfriend's patience, especially since he cares for her when I'm working evening shifts. He's uncertain about how much discipline he should enforce and what might be too much. We both need ideas on how to find out what is bothering her (I've told her she can talk to me about anything) and what to do about her behavior. Please help us.

Understanding Your Daughter's Behavior

I am genuinely concerned about your daughter. In a nutshell, she has lost the security of the only home she remembers and the people who were her everyday caregivers. Now, she has had to suddenly adjust to living with one person she knew only as a visitor and another person she didn't know at all. That is a very difficult situation for anyone, especially for a four-year-old.

A four-year-old is too young to be seen as having an "attitude." She is likely feeling depressed and grieving. Part of that depression is probably anger directed at you and your boyfriend for taking her away from your parents. Your style of discipline may also differ from what she's used to. At this time, she needs a lot of nurturing and care. It would be beneficial for her to spend a lot of time, including weekends or even full weeks, with the grandparents she used to live with.

Supporting Her Emotional Needs

Anger is a way for a young child to express grief and depression. It's essential to listen to her anger rather than just telling her to improve her attitude or behavior. Let her express her feelings. Tell her you understand that it must be hard for her and ask what you can do to make it easier.

• Avoid Punishments: Don't take away privileges, but instead, provide regular good times with you and your boyfriend to help her see this new family as positive.
• Establish Routines: Create routines that she can rely on as positive family experiences, such as reading stories, going on outings, and enjoying treats. Continue these routines regardless of her behavior.

Communicating with Your Daughter

You have told her she can talk to you about anything, but she may be too young to articulate her feelings in words. Learn to tune into her nonverbal expressions. Also, she might not share her thoughts if she fears your disapproval or reprimand. If, for example, she is being hurt somewhere, she might not feel safe telling a parent who may respond by scolding her for misbehaving.

She likely doesn't understand "heart-to-heart" talks — at her age, she may just feel blamed, get hurt and angry, or tune out. That is normal for a four-year-old.

Managing Your Boyfriend's Role

It is said that it takes a child twice her current age to fully accept a step-parent. This means acceptance may not happen until she is eight years old, and that is normal. She did not ask for him to be part of her life. You should be her primary parent, and he should have only the authority you would give to a teenage babysitter.

He should not attempt to discipline her until he has built a relationship with her by treating her gently and respectfully. You should also talk to her privately, without your boyfriend around, and promise not to share what she says with him unless she gives you permission. This can help her feel safe to express herself, especially if she feels that he is disciplining her inappropriately or hurting her in some way.

Seeking Additional Support

I suggest that you and your boyfriend take a parenting course together to learn what is normal for this age and how to handle it. You might also benefit from family counseling. It's surprising that we spend years in school learning other things, but there is no standard course in parenting! When families blend, the adults often have different discipline techniques. A course or counseling can help you align your approaches.

Addressing Your Daughter's Depression

I am concerned about the degree of your daughter's depression. Please be nurturing and understanding toward her; otherwise, the problem may worsen.