Dealing with Rejection

Our 8-year-old is enamored with a boy two years older who lives down the block. This boy can take or leave our son—if there's no one else to play with, he'll play with our son, but if someone else is around, he blows our son off. The rejection seems to hit our son like a physical blow each time it happens, yet he pursues this boy relentlessly. Do we stand by and watch, holding him when he weeps, or can we do something more?

The Importance of Emotional Support

First of all, you are already doing something significant. "Holding him while he weeps" is one of the most important things parents can do for a child. Some trauma specialists believe that it is not the actual bad experiences—such as accidents, surgery, bullying, rejection, failure, or even abuse—that damage a child psychologically. The damage occurs when the child has nowhere to go with his emotions after something bad happens, so he keeps them inside.

When emotions are unprocessed, bad experiences become "engraved" in the brain, and the child begins to see the world as a place where these things will always happen. In cases where an experience is so traumatic that it is not fully remembered, it can cause post-traumatic stress disorder, including emotional numbing and "flashbacks" of the terrible events. Therapists working with PTSD patients often help them revisit their memories of the traumatic event to process and express their emotions.

Providing Comfort and Validation

When you hold your child while he weeps, you are doing what is needed to help him resolve what has happened to him. You are giving your son several important messages:

• "We care about you."
• "We know things are sometimes hard, but you're not alone, and you won't be overwhelmed."
• "You can handle difficult things."
• "We are here for you, and we won't abandon you when you need someone."
• "Your emotions are okay, and it's fine to express them."

All these healthy messages will become part of your son's view of life. On the other hand, parents who tell their child not to cry or forbid their child from playing with the rejecting child deny their children the opportunity for comfort and the chance to receive these validating messages.

Helping Your Child Process His Feelings

What else can you do? After your child finishes crying, you can ask him whether he thinks he wants to continue playing with this boy. Help him think through something to say to the other boy about how he feels. If he's about to go over there, you can remind him what happened last time and assist him in deciding whether he still wants to go. However, don't make the decision for him—allow him to choose for himself.

Finding New Social Opportunities

Since your son is only eight, it's still up to you to help him find other friends to play with. Don’t just leave it up to him to roam the block and find people. Here are some practical steps you can take:

• Get a List of Classmates: Obtain a list of classmates he likes, along with their phone numbers.
• Enroll Him in Activities: Sign him up for activities where he can meet new children.
• Deliberate Invitations: Intentionally invite over children you think would be good company for him.

By providing him with these alternatives, you help ensure that he has other options besides playing with the boy who may reject him.