Don't Leave Me

I have a 5-year-old who constantly worries about me leaving him. He asks me over and over if I am going to leave. If he does not see me in the house, he will start screaming for me instead of looking for me. He won't play in a separate room for over 10 minutes without coming to find me. I am starting to feel as though I did something to make him so insecure. Even if there are people around him that he is familiar with, he screams because he thinks I have left him. I am worried that this will affect him in the future.

Understanding Your Child's Anxiety

Your son doesn't seem to understand that if you leave, you will always come back. Loving parents don't abandon their children, but the only way he can learn this is if you do leave and come back — repeatedly. Parents who avoid using babysitters when their children are young often find themselves trapped at home by preschoolers who don't feel safe when out of their presence.

Breaking the Cycle of Anxiety

The child's screaming and anxiety can easily make a parent upset and lead them to give in to the child, which only worsens the problem. He becomes more and more anxious, and you end up giving in more frequently, turning even a short separation into a major, upsetting event.

Here are some steps to help your son feel more secure:

1. Stop Responding to Screams: If you're in the house and your son screams for you, don't run to him. Tell him ahead of time that you won't be doing this anymore because he's old enough to be separate from you for some time. Let him know he can come and look for you if he's worried. Then, ignore the screams. If he comes to find you, say, "Yes, I'm here," and praise him for not screaming (if he hasn't). If he has screamed, calmly repeat that you will not respond to screaming.
2. Practice Short Separations: Deliberately leave your son on a regular basis with someone you trust. Start with short trips, like a half-hour to go to the store. Tell him where you are going and when you will be back, and then just go, no matter how he behaves. Don't let his screams or anxiety stop you from leaving. Prepare the sitter for his behavior, and instruct her to give him a treat or play a game with him if he calms down. When you return, point out that you came back as promised.
3. Gradually Increase the Time Away: Gradually extend the duration of your absences so he learns that you always return. Over time, perhaps in a month or two, you might take a course or go to the gym, being out of the house for a predictable length of time on a regular schedule.

Building Confidence in Separation

These experiences will not harm your son in the long run, even if he gets upset a few times. What will harm him more is learning that you always respond to his demands, reinforcing his fear of letting you out of his sight. The only way to help him overcome this anxiety is to practice leaving until he becomes secure with it.