Finish what you start

Our five-year-old son is very shy, so we were pleased when he recently decided to join a gymnastics course. At the first session, he absolutely refused to join the group. Now, five sessions later, he participates reluctantly but says he hates to go. Should I be making him "finish what he started" at such a young age? He is starting to make some headway, but I don't want him to be turned off from joining other groups.

Should You Make a Young Child Finish What They Start?

No, you shouldn't make a five-year-old finish what he started. At his age, he is just beginning to explore what he likes and dislikes. A child becomes an individual by trying out various opportunities and discovering what they enjoy and what they are good at. Until about age ten, a child should still be exploring and have plenty of chances to be exposed to new potential interests and change their mind if they find out they do not enjoy something they have enrolled in.

Even in the teenage years and adulthood, people should not be expected to make a long-term commitment to something they are merely exploring. If you force a child to continue an activity they don't enjoy, you teach them that their feelings and preferences don't matter and that they must subdue their own feelings to fulfill a "duty" or do what others say they should. This can damage their self-esteem, independence, and ability to use their feelings as a guide to what is good and fulfilling for them.

Age and Commitment

Time feels much longer for a very young child; a six-month course can feel like an eternity. During the stage of exploring interests, courses should be brief and geared toward both the child's age and the fact that they are exploring.

• Avoid Long Commitments: Avoid enrolling your son in programs that require a year-long commitment or large upfront payments. If money is tight, consider renting expensive equipment (such as musical instruments) instead of buying until you know if your child truly enjoys the activity. This way, you avoid feeling resentment toward your child for any financial losses.
• When to Expect Commitment: The time for making commitments and following through comes after the child’s talents and interests have been discovered. After about age ten, if the child has already explored and understands what an activity involves, it is more appropriate to ask them to commit for the duration of a course. At this point, you may also feel more comfortable investing in the necessary equipment or fees.

How to Determine Your Child's Interests

How do you know what your child really likes or dislikes? Here are a few guidelines:

1. Don’t Judge by the First Day: If your child comes home enthusiastic after the first day, it could be initial excitement due to an entertaining teacher or the presence of friends. This may wear off soon. For example, both my sons initially loved martial arts, but this interest faded, leaving me with useless uniforms.
2. Observe for Consistent Interest: A child must continue liking an activity for a while before you can consider it a true interest.
3. Assess the Source of Dislike: If your child dislikes something, make sure it isn’t the teacher rather than the activity itself. I gave up piano lessons at age seven because of a bad-tempered teacher, but I believe I would have enjoyed it with a teacher who understood children. Whenever possible, attend and observe the activity to see what might be causing the issue.

Supporting a Shy Child

Keep in mind that your son's shy temperament may make it harder for him to try new things compared to other children. It may take him some time to feel comfortable in a new activity. It can help to have parents or friends present for the first few weeks to make the new situation more comfortable for him.