Frustrating Four

My daughter is 4 and becoming very difficult. When I ask her to do something, she refuses (like brushing her hair in the morning). She says things like, "Sorry, Mom, but I am not going to do that," yells, or gives me a dagger look. She has become obnoxious and rude and whines constantly, especially when she doesn't get her way. I feel like I've tried everything and find myself getting too frustrated. Do you know of any effective ways to handle this behavior?

Understanding the Behavior

This is typical four-year-old behavior. Your daughter is in a transition stage, moving from being a toddler to becoming a child. In doing so, she is asserting her independence. It's a normal developmental stage, even though it can be very frustrating for parents. The first thing to remember is that this is a phase, and it will pass.

Children in transition stages (this applies to teenagers as well) often insist on doing things themselves or being in charge of things. The next moment, they may whine and want you to do things for them that they can do for themselves. Parents need to ignore a lot of frustrating behavior during these stages, knowing it will eventually pass as the child matures.

Encouraging Responsibility

Your daughter may respond positively if you find ways for her to be more responsible for her own care rather than having you remind her all the time. Here’s a suggestion:

• Create a Morning Routine Chart: Make a chart together with pictures of all the things she needs to do in the morning (like brushing her teeth, brushing her hair, etc.). She can place a star on the chart whenever she completes a task. Then, stop nagging her about doing these things. When she shows you her completed chart, praise her by saying how much of a big girl she is becoming.

Dealing with Whining

Whining should be ignored unless she is actually sick. One effective technique is to say, "I can't hear you when you whine," and then ignore her unless she asks for something in a normal tone of voice. Stick to this approach until she learns that you mean it. Kids usually know that parents find whining irritating and eventually give in, so consistency is key. If she realizes you won't give in, she will eventually stop whining.

Responding to Requests

Make sure you respond positively when your daughter asks for something in a normal tone of voice. Avoid saying "no" as a matter of course. If you’re unsure whether to say yes or no, say, "Give me time to think," and get back to her a minute later. Remember, four-year-olds have a very short attention span.

If you do say no, be firm and don’t give in later. Changing your mind just rewards persistence and whining.