Lies of Exaggeration

Why Do Children Lie?

My seven-year-old is the youngest of three, and she exaggerates or lies so frequently that it's beginning to concern me. It seems she's anxious to be seen as knowledgeable or to have something to contribute to the conversation. I don't want to scold her or embarrass her. How should I handle this?

Understanding Lies of Exaggeration

Lies of exaggeration or imagination are very common at this age. As the youngest child, your daughter might easily feel less knowledgeable than her older siblings, so she might make things up to hold her own. There are two things you can do:

1. Teach her why lying is not a good idea.
2. Help her meet the needs that are currently being met by the lies.

Teaching Why Lying is Not a Good Idea

Children do not naturally know that there is anything wrong with lying. Why do we think it's wrong? Basically, because if a person lies sometimes, you don't know whether or not they're telling the truth at any given moment, so you can't trust them.

A great story to help a young child understand this is "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." (For those unfamiliar, in the story, a boy looking after sheep gets bored and cries "Wolf!" several times to get attention. After a while, people stop responding, and when a real wolf appears, no one comes to help.) Tell your daughter this story or borrow it from the library. Then ask her how she'd feel if you lied, for example, if you promised her a treat and then repeatedly didn’t give it to her. Let her figure out that she'd learn not to believe you.

Addressing the Reason Behind the Lying

The other issue is understanding why she lies. It can be hard always being the younger, smaller, and less skilled sibling. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Talk to the Older Siblings: Explain to them that it's frustrating for younger children when they feel left out or "less than." Teach them to treat their younger sibling with respect, even though she is less mature. Encourage them to make some space for her where she can feel accepted.
2. Encourage Inclusive Activities: Find games or activities that allow her to participate as an equal:
   • Play a game like Yahtzee, which depends more on luck than skill.
   • Have a family sharing session where each person shares one thing that happened to them, and no one is allowed to interrupt or criticize.
   • Play a game of making up ridiculous imaginary things, where everyone knows that none of it is supposed to be true, allowing her to participate without feeling less capable.
3. Allow Time for Separate Activities: The older children also need time to do things without a younger sibling, so you might need to arrange some other activities for your 7-year-old during these times.

Addressing Lies to Avoid Consequences

Another kind of lying is lying to avoid consequences. This usually happens when the discipline is too harsh for minor misbehaviors, such as not doing homework. Here's how to handle this:

• Use Natural Consequences: Instead of imposing strict punishments, use natural consequences. For example, if homework isn't finished, allow the child to choose between getting a bad mark, staying up late, or getting up early to finish it. This way, the child learns that homework is their responsibility, not the parents'.
• Avoid Harsh Punishments: In some families, harsher punishments are imposed, such as grounding the child for the weekend if homework isn't done. This can lead to lying because the child wants to avoid the punishment. They might also feel it’s the parents' job to ensure homework is completed.

Meeting the Child’s Needs

For children who lie, the parents need to:

1. Teach why lying isn't a good idea (as mentioned above).
2. Help meet the needs that are being met by lying. For example, a child needs to be treated with respect and kindness, as someone who can make their own decisions and does not need to be punished severely for minor infractions.