Little Tyrant

How can I help my 8-year-old daughter deal with life's disappointments, especially when she doesn't get what she wants? She has a strong need for instant gratification: she sees, she wants, she demands — and doesn't give up. If her requests to "have" or "go" are denied, a simple outing can turn into a nightmare, filled with sulking, stubbornness, tantrums, tears, stomping, and door slamming.

Understanding Your Child's Intense Temperament

Your daughter sounds like she has a very intense and persistent temperament. Her emotional reactions are strong and can last for a long time. Parenting a child like this can be challenging; it often feels like a choice between "spoiling" them by giving in or constantly being in conflict with them.

One common mistake is to give in some of the time, which often makes the problem worse. Here’s an example from learning theory: A rat is trained to press a bar to receive a food pellet. If the pellets stop coming, the rat might press the bar 50 times before giving up. But if it gets a pellet on the 49th try, it will press the bar 200 times! The message the rat learns is, "If you try long enough and hard enough, you’ll get results."

Children work the same way. If you always give in to their demands, they will come to expect it. If you never give in, they will stop trying. But if you give in after they throw a tantrum, you are rewarding that behavior! Even arguing with your child can be rewarding for them, as they may enjoy the attention or the feeling of power that comes from engaging you in the argument.

Establishing Consistent Boundaries

So, what can you do to change your child’s behavior? Assuming her basic needs are being met and you are not denying her something unfairly, you need to make your "yes" mean yes, and your "no" mean no — consistently. This is hard, but it’s essential if you don’t want to raise a spoiled child.

1. Set Clear Expectations: Tell your child that from now on, when you say "yes," it means yes, and when you say "no," it means no, and there will be no further discussion. Plan to say "yes" to some reasonable requests so she knows you are not just being mean.
2. Ignore Negative Reactions: Be prepared for her reaction when you say "no." The key is not to reward her negative behavior. Never give in once you have said "no" — even once. This will reinforce her persistence. Do not discuss the matter further; engaging in discussion might inadvertently reward the tantrum by giving it attention.
3. Act Unbothered: Tell her ahead of time that her behavior (like tantrums) is unacceptable and will be ignored. Then, follow through. Act as if she isn’t bothering you at all — don't talk to her once you've made your decision. Ignore the door slamming, the tears, the stomping, and the yelling. These are all attempts to make you give in. She needs to learn that your "yes" means yes, and your "no" means no, and that no behavior will change your mind.

Practical Tips for Managing Outbursts

• Use Time-Outs: If she gets in your face while you’re ignoring her, put her in "time out" until she is calm. You may need to hold the door of the room she’s in.
• Handle Tantrums in Public: If she tantrums in the car, stop driving, ignore her, and refuse to continue until she has stopped. If she throws a tantrum in a public place, take her home immediately or put her in the car and wait outside until she calms down.

Consistency Is Key

There will likely be a difficult period as your daughter learns that you mean what you say. However, it will pay off in the long run. She will learn to control herself, and you’ll have a child who can manage her emotions better.

Don’t forget to praise her when she begins to develop self-control. Let her know how pleasant it is to be with her when she handles disappointment well. Positive reinforcement can be just as powerful as being firm with your boundaries.