More About Whining

I read your article on whining (Jan. 2007) with great eagerness, only to find that I'm already doing everything you recommended, and my 2-year-old daughter still whines: loud, screaming, sometimes crying, with repetitive demands increasing in volume until I give in—which I usually do because the alternative is so painful for me. Even when she gets what she wants, she'll often continue to whine, "eeah, eeah, eeah," and sniff dramatically. It drives me nuts!

She is a shy girl but in a loud, aggressive way. When strangers (children or adults alike) say hello or try to engage her, even if she knows some of them, she sneers at them, withdraws, and starts to moan and whine (with no words) and clings to me, becoming very anxious.

Understanding the Reasons for Whining

Whining like this can be a sign that a child is really stressed. Stress comes from a combination of the child's temperament and the things happening to her. It sounds like your daughter has an introverted temperament and finds it stressful to deal with more than one or two people at a time. If your life is too busy for her, she may be expressing her stress through this whining. She may not know exactly what is wrong—just that she feels overwhelmed and needs you to help her calm down by having one-on-one time with her.

One of my sons was like this, and the message of his whining and tantrums was: "Don't take me there; don't overstimulate me with many people around; give me quietness and just one person to be around." Unfortunately, he couldn’t always put this into words and had meltdowns and whining sessions instead. Looking back, I can see clearly what he needed, and I wish I’d been able to give it to him more of the time.

Meeting Your Child's Needs

It's always important to become aware of and meet your child's needs by changing the situation that is making her uncomfortable before you try to change her behavior. Here are some steps to consider:

1. Reduce Overstimulation: Examine your life with your daughter and see which stressors you can remove to prevent her from feeling so overwhelmed. She may need a quieter environment or fewer social interactions at one time.
2. Provide Calm and Comfort: Ensure your daughter has enough calm, one-on-one time with you to help her feel secure. This can help reduce the underlying stress that might be triggering her whining.

Addressing Whining as a Learned Behavior

Once you've met her needs for calm and comfort, consider the situations in which she is whining and how you are handling them. A child who initially whines because she is stressed may learn that persistent whining works to get what she wants. She may apply it to situations like wanting your attention immediately when you're on the phone or asking for a cookie right before dinner.

Here’s how to handle it:

1. Recognize the Difference Between Stress and Demands: Learn to distinguish between situations where she may be stressed and those where she just wants something. It's normal for a two-year-old to want things immediately, but she needs to learn that she won't get it if it isn't good for her or you.
2. Stop Rewarding Whining: Currently, you are rewarding your child for persistent and loud whining. She has learned that if she continues whining long enough, you will give in to whatever she is demanding. This teaches her to keep escalating until you give in.
3. Be Consistent with Your Responses: Decide ahead of time what you will agree to and what you won't. When it's a yes, give her what she wants as soon as she asks. When it's a no, tell her, "I said no," and stick to it.
4. Prepare for an Escalation: Understand that the behavior will likely get worse before it gets better, and it may take about two weeks to teach her that no means no and yes means yes. Once she learns this lesson, she will calm down and stop whining unless she is truly stressed.