Nine-Year-Old Dropout?

My nine-year-old daughter isn't interested in any extracurricular activities. She has tried music lessons and dancing. She was interested at first but quit after a few months. Should I have made her stick it out? Am I teaching her to give up by allowing her to quit?

Are You Teaching Her to Give Up?

No, you're not. You are teaching her that her interests and abilities matter, and that it's okay for her to consult her own feelings when deciding how she wants to spend her time and her life. This is a very important lesson. I've counseled many adults who don't know what they like, how they want to spend their leisure time, and even what they want to do for a living, because they learned in childhood that they must put their own preferences aside and do what they were told.

Understanding the Role of Extracurricular Activities

Children already have to go to school and discipline themselves to attend classes and do homework. They must learn the subjects in the school curriculum, whether they like them or not. That's enough discipline for a developing mind. Extracurricular activities should be just that—activities that children explore and continue with only if they enjoy them.

Each person comes equipped with certain natural abilities and potential interests. Usually, our interests are closely related to our abilities—we like to do what we are good at. Sometimes, however, they are different. We may be good at something, such as mathematics, but not enjoy it. Or we may love doing something, such as dancing, even though we are not good at it. We live our lives in our own bodies, with our own abilities and interests. So, it makes sense to explore what those abilities and interests are, especially in childhood.

Avoiding Imposing Unfulfilled Ambitions

Be careful not to impose your own unfulfilled ambitions on your child. Just because you always wanted to dance and didn't get to doesn't mean that she will love dancing. Children really like to please their parents, so it's very important that you encourage your daughter to follow her heart rather than doing what you think might be right for her. She is her own unique person, and if you support her in trusting her own feelings, she will find enjoyable activities that will last throughout her life.

The Importance of Exploration in Childhood

Childhood is a time for exploration as well as for learning basic skills. During this time, children learn what they like and don't like, and what they are good at or mediocre at, by trying different things. If they have the opportunity to try many things without judgment, they will find activities that can give them pleasure for the rest of their lives.

It's good for commitments in childhood to be brief so that children can explore without the pressure to become experts when they don't yet know what they like. I know a young woman who spent her childhood being pressured by a coach to practice her sport and become a world champion athlete. Now in her early 20s, she has no idea what she wants to do in life because she didn't get to try many things and find out what she liked in childhood.

Setting Realistic Commitments

It helps if a child, when beginning a new activity, makes a commitment for a certain period of time. However, that period should be measured in days or weeks, not months. Don't go out and buy expensive musical or sports equipment and then resent your child for not wanting to use it. Let your child try things for short periods without a huge commitment, and then gradually increase the time period of commitment as the child gets older and the required skill level becomes greater.

Understanding the Reasons for Disinterest

If your child is not enjoying an activity, ask her why—without judging her. I dropped out of piano at the age of seven because my teacher, who was blind, kept stretching my hands farther than they could go, and it hurt. It didn't occur to me to tell my parents the problem. Other kids drop out because of things like bullies in the class or an inept teacher, rather than because of the activity itself. A different class or teacher might take care of the problem.

Ensuring Time for Play and Relaxation

Besides scheduled learning activities, kids also need time just to be kids, to play board games, engage in imaginative games, hang out with friends, and relax. Children develop their creativity and social skills during these unscheduled times. Play is probably the most important activity for a child of any age—make sure your child has time for it.