Obeying Parents, Obeying Peers

We have a son who will turn twelve in June. He's always been somewhat precocious (grown up for his age) and quite peer-oriented. We've tried building autonomy (independence) in our discussions with him; he seems to understand but also resists. We're wondering if you have some ideas for us.

The Challenge of Building Autonomy

I assume that when you say you try to build autonomy and independence in your son, you mean that you want him to be independent from peer pressure rather than from you. Unfortunately, you can't have one without the other.

A lot of parents dread adolescence because we know that many children change when they enter their teens. Pleasant, obedient children suddenly become rebellious and outspoken. We hear horror stories, and read about unmanageable teens committing crimes or turning to drugs. It is important to understand why a child changes as he enters his teens.

Understanding Adolescence as a Transition Stage

Adolescence is a "transition stage," a period when the child is getting ready to do something new in the world. Every transition stage is turbulent, where the child rejects his or her "old self" in favor of a new, more mature self.

• The "Terrible Twos": A transition from babyhood to early childhood. The 2-year-old's shout of "No!" signifies a desire not to be treated like a baby.
• Preschool Years: A transition from infant to child. The preschooler has temper tantrums and power struggles with parents, establishing that they are a person with a mind and will of their own, ready to socialize (with supervision) beyond the family.
• Elementary Years: A calm period where the child settles into school, learns basic skills, and establishes themselves in the home, school, and a limited circle of friends. During this time, the child learns either to know and like who they are or to become what their parents want them to be without an inner sense of self.

The Teenage Transition

The teenage years mark the transition from childhood to adulthood. In just a few short years, your child will need to be an adult: move out of the home, earn a living, and navigate the world socially and economically. To prepare for this, they start to orient primarily towards people outside the home—the peer group.

The Impact of Early Parenting

What happens in the teen years depends largely on how you handled the earlier stages:

• Strict Obedience: If you established that your child must always obey you, always please you, and not think for themselves, you may find that, as a teen, they transfer this unthinking obedience to their peers instead of to you.
• Respecting Individuality: If you respected your child's individuality and developing ideas, encouraged them to explore their interests, listened when they disagreed, loved them even when they weren't doing what you wanted, and handled their rebellion flexibly, your child will develop a secure sense of who they are. This foundation helps them resist peer pressure.

The Paradox of Resistance

It's a paradox, but the child who can best resist peer pressure is not the obedient child but the one who has learned to think for themselves, sometimes in opposition to their parents.

If your child is resisting you, that's actually a good sign. Most children will try out a few things that their peers do in their early teens, but if they think for themselves, they'll often realize that many of these things are unwise and will stop doing them. The children most dominated by dangerous peers are often those with a desperate need to please others—a trait usually learned at home.

Encouraging Independence and Confidence

Teach your child that your love is not conditional on their pleasing you, that you want them to become their own person, not your "model child," and that you believe in their maturity and common sense. This approach will help them navigate the teenage transition successfully.