Parenting Teens

Recently I gave a lecture on parenting teens to my Monday night class. Many people asked for my notes, so here they are.

Parenting Teen Girls

One of the most common concerns I hear from parents is about their daughters' body image. It's not unusual for a slim nine-year-old girl to express worry over her weight. What's happening here? We know the media plays a huge role, and I have heard the same concerns from my petite daughter. Here are some important areas to focus on:

Promoting a Healthy Body Image

1. Health First: Educate your daughters about the importance of health and how it radiates from within.
2. Media Awareness: Counteract media influence by educating them on the tricks used to make people appear “perfect.”
3. Positive Role Modeling: Demonstrate your own comfort with your body and provide positive messages about self-care and healthy living.
4. Physical Connection: Spend time with activities like massage and brushing your daughter’s hair to help her feel comfortable in her own skin.
5. Avoid Negative Commentary: Never comment on her weight or express concerns about her eating habits.
6. Calm Responses: When she complains about her weight, avoid dismissive comments like “Don’t be silly, you’re not fat.” Instead, listen, let her express herself, and acknowledge the pressures of societal standards.

Navigating Puberty and Peer Pressure

As girls enter puberty, they face immense pressure to meet cultural standards of beauty. They may fear their changing bodies and feel a loss of control, wishing to stay young to avoid these pressures.

While walking through the mall with my twelve-year-old daughter, I noticed the sideways glances from other young girls. I saw her stiffen and adjust her hair. This made me realize that instead of judging her concerns, I should support her, even when it comes to her choices about fashion and personal expression.

Maintaining Open Dialogue

This doesn’t mean we stop teaching. We must continue to have open conversations about important topics:

• Sexuality, gender differences in thoughts on sex and relationships
• The risks of premature sexual experiences
• The value of respectful relationships
• Media messages and sexual safety

It’s essential to listen to your child’s agenda rather than pushing your own. Stay neutral and let her come to her insights independently.

Understanding Cultural Messages

Our culture sends mixed messages: If a girl isn’t beautiful, she’s often excluded; if she’s too beautiful, she might be labeled as a "sex object" or not taken seriously. This can make girls lose sight of who they truly are, asking questions like, “How can I please my peers?” instead of, “Who am I?”

Dealing with Emotional Volatility

Hormones play a significant role in a teenager's emotional state, creating mood swings that can be challenging for both the child and the parent. As Mary Pipher states in her book Reviving Ophelia:

“All girls experience pain at this point in their development. If that pain is blamed on themselves, on their own failures, it manifests itself as depression. If the pain is blamed on parents or peers, it shows up as anger."

Helping Through the Blues

1. Encourage regular exercise.
2. Support your child’s self-image, even if it feels shallow.
3. Help your child build friendships and discuss what relationships mean to her.
4. Teach her to be true to herself and to ask for what she needs.
5. Separate her thoughts from her feelings to better understand her emotions.

Mothering Teen Daughters

Mothers often face criticism from their daughters, which can feel painful and confusing. Girls distance themselves as they grow, and this can feel like rejection. During these times, it’s essential to stay calm, find healthy outlets for your emotions, and remember that independence is a normal part of development.

Finding Balance in Your Relationship

• Understand that your daughter may not want your help, even when she needs it.
• Model self-sufficiency and self-respect.
• Be responsive to family needs without taking full responsibility for them.

Fathering Teen Daughters

Fathers play a crucial role in their daughters' lives, whether supportive, distant, or abusive. Supportive fathers foster high self-esteem by being nurturing, physically affectionate, and involved. Fathers should:

• Discuss sexuality and relationships openly.
• Validate their daughter's strengths beyond physical appearance.
• Allow their daughters to express themselves assertively.

Parenting Teen Boys

Boys face unique challenges as they navigate their teenage years. They are often misunderstood due to societal stereotypes, yet they are equally affected by emotional and social pressures.

Understanding Emotional Needs

Boys may not express emotions as openly as girls, often masking their feelings. They may seem fragile and require a different approach:

• Make concise points and use anecdotes to illustrate lessons.
• Encourage expression through actions rather than face-to-face conversations.
• Respect their need for silence and space.

Tips for Parenting Boys

1. Keep communication short and to the point.
2. Use stories to engage them.
3. Listen actively and avoid overwhelming them with emotional conversations.
4. Involve them in side-by-side activities to foster connection.

General Tips for Parenting Teens

• Encourage another loving adult to be involved in their lives.
• Provide a balance of protection and challenge in your home.
• Set firm guidelines while maintaining open communication.
• Use negotiation rather than rigid rules; prioritize love and respect.
• Stay calm and keep a sense of humor.

Conclusion

Parenting teens is a complex but rewarding journey. It requires patience, understanding, and the ability to adapt to changing dynamics. Remember to respect their growing independence while being a stable and supportive presence in their lives.