We have a five-year-old son who, up until recently, has been a rather quiet and reserved boy. We have always thought of him as gentle and sensitive. Recently, however, he has become quite aggressive, primarily toward his three-year-old brother. He will hit, pinch, or kick his brother for seemingly no reason. We are quite distressed about this, as we have tried to emphasize non-violent ways to solve problems.

When discussing this with our son, he is unable to explain his behavior; he says he just does it and can't help it. I believe that is true in a way. It doesn't appear that these acts are premeditated. My son will lash out and then instantly realize what he's done, get a worried look on his face, and begin apologizing. However, this doesn't stop him from committing a similar act moments later. My husband and I are at a loss over what to do.

What would some appropriate consequences be? We have been using time-out, but this hasn't been effective. We end up having a power struggle over getting him to stay in his room, and then he gets so wrapped up in that, that he loses track of what the time-out was all about in the first place. Can you make some suggestions?

Please sign me... Troubled

Rethinking Consequences

It's interesting that your immediate thought, like that of most parents, is about what consequences to use. I'm not sure consequences are the answer here. Your son doesn't know why he lashes out, and it takes him by surprise. Probably, when he does it, he isn't thinking about what will happen afterward. You need to work on the antecedents (triggers or causes) of the behavior rather than the consequences. Then you can prevent the offending behaviors.

Understanding the ABCs of Behavior

The ABC system of behavior analysis gives you an equation: B = A + C. This means: Behavior results from its Antecedents and its Consequences. If you apply negative consequences but don't address the antecedents, you may be putting the child in a frustrating situation where he feels unable to control his actions but still gets punished. This is particularly true when dealing with emotional behavior, which seems to be the case here.

Identifying the Triggers

Looking at the antecedents means trying to figure out why your son behaves this way. Spend some time quietly observing the boys' interactions without intervening to see what's going on. We parents tend not to notice what's happening until something goes wrong, so we only see the behavior without the antecedents.

It seems that something is upsetting your older child, causing him to "lose his cool" and lash out. Try to find out what it is:

  • Is the younger boy provoking him? Does he take his toys or interfere with what he's doing?
  • Are adults giving the younger boy more attention (because he is cute) and ignoring the older one, causing jealousy? Many sibling conflicts are provoked by these factors.

Do some detective work to figure out what's happening.

Helping Your Son Recognize and Manage His Emotions

The next step is to help your son recognize when he's becoming upset. It sounds like he thinks it's wrong to get upset. It's important to let him know that it's okay to feel upset or mad and to express those feelings, as long as he doesn't do it violently. For example, if his brother takes his toys, he will naturally be upset, just as you would be if someone took something of yours without asking.

Encourage him to express his feelings by telling him that if he lets you know what's upsetting him, you can help solve the problem.

Setting Rules and Establishing Boundaries

  1. Create Clear Rules: If the problem is sharing toys, establish rules for both boys about not taking each other's belongings. Don't force your older son to share; both boys need to learn about private property. Instead, designate some toys as common and others as private for each child. Teach them to ask permission to use something and not to take things without asking.
  2. Address Personal Space: If the younger boy is interrupting or "bugging" him, or invading his space, create simple rules about personal boundaries that both boys can understand.

Teaching Emotional Regulation Strategies

Finally, teach your older son what to do when he is upset:

  • Use Words: Encourage him to use words to express his boundaries, like saying, "Don't take my stuff."
  • Walk Away: Teach him to walk away if his brother is "bugging" him.
  • Ask for Attention: Show him how to ask for attention if he feels his brother is receiving more than he is.

Guiding Emotional Development

Learning to handle emotions is a challenging task. Kids need to learn to:

  1. Recognize what they are feeling.
  2. Hold back the impulsive actions that arise from those feelings.
  3. Figure out what's wrong that is causing those feelings.
  4. Find ways to verbally establish their boundaries and meet the needs represented by their emotions.

Teaching these skills will go much farther than just imposing consequences for emotional behavior and will help prevent the behavior from occurring. You have taught him part (2). Now work on the other three.

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