Scary Thoughts

Our 6-year-old boy is sweet, talkative, joyful, articulate, generous, neat, and obedient. However, lately, he has been having scary thoughts that he tells us about—like thoughts of killing the family or his friend's family. He doesn't really understand why or how these thoughts come to him, but his conscience is causing him pain. He sees these thoughts as wrong and bad, and although he loves us very much, he is scared he is becoming a bad kid.

We have told him that he is a good boy, that scary thoughts happen, and that what matters is how we act towards others—which for him is nice, courteous, and thoughtful, well beyond his years. Still, we are scared. Any advice?

Normalcy of Scary Thoughts in Children

Frightening thoughts are fairly normal for children between the ages of 6 and 9. Kids are exposed to many things—they hear news reports, watch movies, and see TV shows that often depict violence and killing. Even if we try to protect them by limiting their access to television, all it takes is overhearing a news story (like a high school kid harming others with a gun) to make kids feel scared. They don't know how to interpret these events.

When the media is filled with stories of violence, kids might believe that's all that exists outside their safe, home environment. At school, other kids may talk about similar topics, and teachers may discuss how to stay safe, which can reinforce their belief that the world is dangerous and scary. Kids do not realize that the media often exaggerates events, making them appear more common than they actually are.

Helping Your Son Understand Media Messages

You need to teach your son that TV, movies, and even the news do not depict life as it really is. Explain that these frightening events rarely happen and that kids or teenagers from loving families aren't the ones who commit such acts.

Why Is Your Son Thinking About Being the "Killer"?

Most kids, however, have fantasies and fears about being killed rather than about being the killer. There must be a reason why your son is different. He sounds as if he is really concerned about whether he is "good" or "bad" and is trying very hard to be a "good boy." In fact, he sounds so well-behaved that it must be a tremendous effort for him.

Balancing the Concept of "Being Good"

Your response to his concerns suggests that you are emphasizing "being good" a little too much. He needs to know that everyone makes mistakes and that our mistakes don't mean we are "bad people." He needs to learn to laugh at his mistakes rather than take them too seriously. He needs to be able to goof off and not always be neat or obedient. He needs to be able to be in a "bad mood" sometimes and have it accepted, not to always have to be joyful.

Handling Anger and Negative Emotions

Another issue is how you handle his anger and his other negative emotions. All children get angry sometimes, and they need to know that their anger is acceptable and that they will be listened to rather than rejected when they feel angry. Parents make mistakes, too, and kids can get angry at these mistakes. It's possible that your son is angry at you but feels unable to express it because he may not feel loved when he is angry. So, he comes up with these fantasies instead.

Encouraging Open Communication

Encourage him to tell you in words when he feels angry, and pay some attention to his concerns. If he can learn to express his anger directly, it will not come out indirectly in these frightening thoughts.