Separation Anxiety

My 7-year-old son has been experiencing phobic episodes (hysteria, crying) regarding school attendance and even going to movies. He is afraid to leave me, even to play at a friend's house or attend a birthday party. He has nightmares regularly, sometimes displays tics, and wets the bed more often than not. He constantly wants to know where each family member is at all times and what time they'll return if they go out. He used to be a very confident, sociable, and bold child. We wonder what has happened to our son and whether we'll ever see his confidence restored.

Understanding Your Son's Anxiety

You are right to be concerned about what has happened to your son. His symptoms suggest that he is under considerable stress. Some detective work is needed to uncover what has happened or what he might think is going to happen. This could be anything from:

• Seeing a scary movie
• Witnessing another child getting hurt
• Having a dream that he has taken literally
• Hearing about abducted children on the news
• Experiencing bullying, or being hurt by a babysitter or friend's parent

When you are in a relaxed situation with your son (e.g., after reading him a story), ask him if he's worried about something and what he thinks might happen if he's separated from you. Also, ask about his scary dreams to see if they provide any clues about what is troubling him.

Possible Causes of His Fear

Your son's need to know where family members are suggests that he may be afraid of losing someone or worried that someone else might be hurt rather than himself. This fear could stem from several situations:

• Death or Illness: Someone he knows may have had a relative die, or he may have seen something related on TV or dreamt about it.
• Family Separation: If you are separated or divorced, it's common for a child who has seen one parent leave to fear that the other parent might leave too.

You cannot completely discount the possibility that your child may have experienced some form of abuse. It's common for abusers, especially sexual abusers, to threaten harm to the child's parents if the child discloses the abuse. Watch for signs of your son avoiding particular individuals. However, do not jump to conclusions; fears related to the media are far more common.

Addressing the Problem

Once you find out what the problem is, you can take steps to remedy it. Your first step should be to listen carefully:

• Reassure with Facts: If he worries about you dying, listen very attentively to what he is worried about, then reassure him that the vast majority of people do not die until they are old. Use actual statistics to provide reassurance. The media often distort the reality of risks by focusing on murders and violence, which can give children a skewed perception of danger.
• Address Real Trauma: If your son has experienced real trauma (such as bullying or abuse), these feelings need to be addressed, and the situation needs to be stopped.

If your son seems unaware of what is bothering him or is reluctant to talk about it, consider taking him to a professional counselor who can help him express his concerns.

Helping Your Son Cope

For now, you may need to coddle your son a little:

• Spend More Time with Him: Offer extra reassurance and let him know where you are. You could even phone him to let him know that you and everyone else are okay when you are away.
• Create a Soothing Bedtime Routine: Develop a calming bedtime routine if you don't already have one, and consider getting him a night light.

However, it is important not to allow your child's anxiety to distort your life into something abnormal. He still needs to go to school, and you still need to attend your regular activities. Otherwise, his fear can become chronic.

With time and maintaining a normal life, his anxiety should lessen, especially as you reassure him of the realities of the situation and address any real dangers.