Separation Anxiety

Understanding the Situation

Why would an 8-year-old, in a secure family, experience severe separation anxiety? What could be going on, and what can be done to help?

You're right—this is not a usual age for separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is more common in infancy and the preschool years. Very young children are not yet able to imagine where the parent is when they are not present. This is why they might scream and cling to a parent when they leave. If a parent is away for a long time, the child may feel like they have lost that parent. This is also why it's generally not a good idea to take a holiday away from children under four years of age.

However, in an eight-year-old, separation anxiety is a different matter.

Possible Causes

The most likely cause is something the child has seen or heard, which has led them to believe something bad could happen when they are separated from their parent. Here are some examples:

• Seeing frightening events on the news: Such as earthquakes, with the suggestion that one could happen where they live.
• Hearing statistics on car accidents that may cause fear.
• Knowing a child who has been taken into foster care, creating a fear of abandonment.
• Hearing about a child or a parent who died, sparking fear of loss.
• Hearing about someone who abandoned their children.
• Watching a frightening movie or TV show where something happens to a child while separated from their parents.
• Hearing parents argue and fearing divorce.
• Experiencing a bad dream that feels very real to them.

We, as adults, have become accustomed to hearing about dangerous events, and most of the time, we can put them in perspective. We know that even though earthquakes and fatal car accidents happen, they are rare and unlikely to happen to our families if we take reasonable precautions. We know that movies, TV shows, and dreams aren't real and often contain much more violence than real life. We understand that arguments don't necessarily lead to divorce and that divorce doesn't mean a child will lose a parent.

However, children don't understand statistics. In their attempts to make sense of the world, they base their ideas about safety on what they see and hear.

Addressing the Anxiety

1. Ask Questions:
Your first step is to ask your child what they are worried about. Listen carefully to understand their fears.

2. Provide Reassurance:
Help them understand the reality of the situation—provide statistics on how often these events actually happen, and reassure them about their own safety. If necessary, you can equip them with a cell phone so they can check on your whereabouts from time to time.

3. Consider Other Possibilities:
There is a slight possibility that something has actually happened to your child that they haven't told you about. If they don’t provide a reason for their anxiety, ask them directly if something has happened that makes them afraid to be apart from you. Children may not always share such things, even with their parents.

For example, I remember having a babysitter who locked my brother in his bedroom and made out on the couch with her boyfriend while I watched. It never occurred to me to tell my parents, even though I felt very uncomfortable with the situation. I assumed my parents would somehow know about it—but of course, they didn't.

Make sure ahead of time that your children understand they should tell you anything uncomfortable that happens when they are with a sitter or staying with relatives or strangers. If a child seems particularly uncomfortable with a certain adult, ask about it.

Moving Forward

Once you know the source of the problem and have removed any potential dangers, don't give in to your child's separation anxiety. Your child needs to know that you can leave them somewhere, that both of you will be safe, and that you will return. They will never gain that sense of security unless you do leave them.