Talking With Your Teen

My teenager is so uncommunicative. I have a hard time knowing whether he's doing all right or if he's depressed. If I pressure him to talk, he shuts down and retreats to his room. How do I keep the lines of communication open without making him feel pressured by my questions?

Understanding Your Teen's Behavior

Your son is right on track developmentally. Most teenagers go through a phase like this, so unless there are other signs of depression, this behavior is quite normal. Your son is becoming his own person, and part of that process involves learning to work things out for himself.

Respect this behavior and accept the message he's giving you: to back off and let him live his own life and make his own decisions. In a few short years, he will be on his own as an adult, and it's important that he gets ready for this by relying less on his parents.

Respecting Privacy

It's essential to respect your son's privacy at this age—both physical and emotional.

• Physically, let his room be his own space and don't enter it without his permission. Refrain from commenting on his clothing or hairstyle.
• Emotionally, don't pressure your son to talk. He will speak when he wants to. Focus on neutral topics, like sports or politics, or talk about your own life, not his.

Avoid asking direct questions about his day, school, or homework. Instead, be around him in a non-threatening way, so he feels comfortable talking if he chooses to. Watch TV with him, drive somewhere together (kids this age often find it easier to talk side by side in a car rather than face to face), or play board or computer games with him. Develop a relationship based on enjoying activities together rather than interrogating him about his life.

Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

Keep the "lines of communication" open, but let him decide when to "make the call" on those lines. If you do this, you may find he gradually begins to open up about his life.

When your son does talk about his life, resist the urge to give advice, even if he asks for it. Instead:

• Listen empathically.
• If he presents a problem, ask him what he has considered doing rather than making suggestions.

Remember, he is living in a different era and a different peer group from the one you experienced, so your advice might not always apply. More importantly, he needs to learn to work things out for himself. Avoid making any evaluative judgments of his ideas, even if they are positive; teenagers are extremely sensitive to evaluation by their parents.

Embracing Your Teen's Growing Independence

It's tough for us to watch our children, who were once so open with us, withdraw and begin to keep their own counsel. However, this is a sign of developing maturity, and it's a sign that must be respected and appreciated.