Temper Tantrums

Many normal, wonderful preschoolers have intense and frightening temper tantrums as a way of dealing with frustration, anger, and asserting their independence by telling the adults in their lives, "You aren't the boss of me!"

I remember when my son Jarryd was about three, we were in a kid's clothing store. He was playing alone with some toys when another boy approached to join him. Jarryd freaked out, started screaming, and threw toys. I had to pick him up and carry him out of the store, while my own mother trailed behind with my new baby, Lexy. Jarryd pulled on the skin of my neck so hard that he drew blood. My mother watched in disbelief, feeling completely helpless to do anything to help at that moment.

Looking back, I realize that he was going through a phase that felt like it lasted for months. The intensity and frequency of his tantrums did eventually pass, but if someone had told me back then that it was "just a stage," I might have had my own tantrum. It was scary, and I thought for sure that I was raising a "future criminal."

Now I can see the contributing factors. Jarryd had a cautious nature and preferred playing alone or with someone he knew well. With the arrival of a new baby, he was also feeling stressed. Anytime he was tired or hungry, he could easily be triggered into an intense fit of anger. It really was a phase, and there wasn’t much I could do to stop the tantrums other than protect him and give him space to cool down.

What Not to Do During a Tantrum

I am often asked what parents should do when their children are having tantrums. My answer is that it's more about what you don't do. Looking back, I am grateful that I didn't hit him, scream at him, or join him in a tantrum of my own. I avoided making him feel like a bad person after the tantrums were over. I didn’t withhold my love or hold his behavior against him. Sometimes, I needed space to cool down myself so I could avoid reacting negatively. Discipline, in this case, meant self-discipline — staying as calm as I could.

You may not be able to connect with your child in the heat of the moment, and teaching them anything during those adrenaline peaks is likely to backfire. You teach your children about emotions and how to express them appropriately over time, through your role modeling and connection with them. In that connection, you can identify what needs aren’t being met or what might be causing their stress. This connection helps them express more subtle feelings and build a "feeling vocabulary" that will be used more as they mature.

Understanding Your Child's Emotional Development

This process takes time, and when children are very young, they struggle with understanding their feelings. My son couldn’t say, "Hey mom, this kid is making me feel uncomfortable. By the way, I feel stressed about the new baby too." Even telling me he was hungry or tired would have been a tall order back then. Instead of articulating their feelings, they feel them intensely! They scream, pinch, kick, bite, and throw things.

Today, my son is approaching his sixteenth birthday. He is a gentle, kind-hearted person who wouldn’t dream of hurting anyone. He is still intense and feels more comfortable in familiar settings with familiar people. If someone had given me a glimpse into the future, I would have relaxed and focused on loving him and helping him get his needs met. I might not have smiled through the tantrums, but at least I would have known that he was going to be just fine — not a criminal, not an aggressive or mean person.

How to Deal with Temper Tantrums

Here are some practical steps for dealing with temper tantrums:

• Ensure Safety: Make sure your child is safe and free from harm during a tantrum.
• Stay Calm and Firm: Stand firm if the tantrum results from your child not getting their way.
• Teach Limits: Remind yourself that it's important for your child to learn that they can't have everything they want when they want it.
• Praise Positive Behaviors: Use specific feedback to reinforce good behavior.
• Set Clear Expectations: Explain limits and expectations when everyone is calm.
• Use Time-Outs: Use time-outs as a cooling down period for yourself or your child.
• Ignore When Possible: Ignore the tantrum as much as you can to avoid reinforcing the behavior.
• Teach About Feelings: Help your child understand and handle their feelings, particularly anger, as they grow.
• Model Appropriate Behavior: Be a good role model in managing your emotions.
• Identify Triggers: Look for triggers that may cause tantrums — hunger, fatigue, time of day, location, events, temperament, or how your behavior may affect your child.

By using these strategies, you can help your child learn to navigate their emotions and build a solid foundation for emotional resilience and healthy development.