What To Tell Your Child About the Other Parent

I am the father of a wonderful 5 1/2-year-old boy who has been physically alienated from me without reason for almost a year. My case is not full-blown parental alienation syndrome due to my weekly phone contact and the deep emotional bond we share. Even with a police-enforced court order, his mother still refuses physical contact. I am seeking full custody and sole guardianship of my son through a very stagnant and outdated colonial court system.

As the mature and conscious parent, I realize the deep love my son has for his mother, and I am fully aware of the need to maintain this relationship upon gaining custody of our son. I feel a duty to help him break the legacy of poor partner choices that runs through our family line. But how do you do that when the other parent is a severely narcissistic individual who seems unaware of the emotional strain placed on the child? How do I help my son understand the situation?

A Child's Perspective: Understanding Comes with Time

The short answer is: you don’t help him understand the situation, not at this age. He is much too young to grasp the complexities of what you’re talking about. All he will perceive is that you don’t like his mother. Anything you say to your son about his mother will only confuse him and could potentially alienate him from you, since he loves his mother deeply.

A "mature and conscious parent" puts the child’s needs ahead of their own desire to be liked or understood by the child. At this point, you should simply tell your son that you want to see him and that you look forward to the time when it will be possible. That's all.

Future Conversations: Letting Your Child Form His Own Opinions

Even as your son grows older, anything one parent says to him about the other is likely to backfire on the parent who says it. If a child feels that one parent's love for him is conditional upon rejecting the other parent, he may say what the parent wants to hear, but deep down, he will feel angry and resentful. He needs the freedom to form his own conclusions.

• Listen with Empathy: If he complains about his mother to you, and her behavior isn't actively abusive, just listen with empathy. Help him figure out for himself how to handle the situation.
• Avoid Criticism: You can hope for the same approach from his mother. Avoid criticizing her in front of him, even if she does not reciprocate.

Allowing Your Child to Discover the Truth

If his mother is truly "severely narcissistic," as you describe, your son will come to recognize this on his own during his teenage years through his experiences with her. He doesn't need you to tell him anything negative about her (and likewise, she shouldn’t tell him anything negative about you).

What he needs is the freedom to discover the truth for himself. He will learn that you and his mother were not the best match for each other, and as he grows into his teens and young adulthood, he will likely seek to avoid making the same mistakes that he feels deprived him of a two-parent family.

Your Role: Patience and Consistency

You don’t have to spell any of this out to him. Just give it time. Maintain your weekly contact with him, and let things unfold naturally. Your consistent presence and support will be more valuable to him in the long run than any words of explanation.