When Do They Become Responsible?

I am a stepmother to an 18-year-old and a 17-year-old. While I realize they could have much worse behavioral problems, I am so sick and tired of them not putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher, missing the bus unless I chase them (and then I have to drive them), not doing their few chores unless we constantly remind them, and not keeping their grades up—always with excuses about why it’s not their fault.

My stepdaughter, now that she has turned 18, is acting like she's running the house—changing how things are done, taking the mailbox key to make "her own" copy and then losing it. We are criticized because we aren't acting like cheerleaders—being endlessly interested in what they're interested in and providing a constant stream of positive comments—even when we're not happy with how they're behaving.

I am becoming more and more resentful and have grown distant over the past year. It feels like we’re just "hunkering down" to get through these last years until they move away. We've tried talking, but it doesn't seem to do any good. Is it too much to expect, at their ages, that they make good grades, catch the bus, do their chores, and pick up after themselves?

Understanding Teenage Behavior

It might help you to join a support or educational group for parents of teenagers. Many of the behaviors you describe are just normal adolescent behaviors, but they are creating more conflict than necessary, perhaps because of a misunderstanding of adolescence.

The teen years, especially the late teens, are a time when kids prepare to be adults living on their own. Nature gives them a significant developmental push to be in charge of their own lives at this age, and they start to resist anyone telling them what to do—even if it’s for their own good.

It helps to ask yourself:
Who owns the problem?
Which problems are family problems, which are your problems, and which belong to the kids? The only problems you need to be involved in are those that affect you or the family. The other problems should be left for the kids to handle.

Addressing Specific Issues

Let’s go through each issue you mentioned:

1. "I am so sick and tired of them not putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher."

This is a family problem because it affects you. However, you don't want to be nagging all the time. Consider making a deal: you will stop nagging if they clean up after themselves without being asked. When parents harp, it teaches the child to tune them out and not do anything without being nagged.

2. "Missing the bus unless I chase them, then I have to drive them."

This is definitely the kids' problem, not yours. Let them know that you won't chase them to get ready or drive them to school anymore. They have to get themselves to school from now on. Don’t wake them, don’t nag them, just ignore them when they're getting ready.

3. "Them not doing their few chores unless we constantly remind them."

This is a family problem. But with kids of this age, chores shouldn't be assigned; they should be negotiated. Meet with the kids and ask them what chores they are willing to do on a weekly basis. If they participate in choosing the chores, they're more likely to do them. Agree on a time by which the chores must be completed. Then, stop nagging! Leave it until the agreed-upon time. You could also agree that they can't go out until the chores are done on that day.

4. "Not keeping their grades up and then having excuses as to why it's not their fault."

This is not your problem; it's theirs. What will these kids do after they leave home for college or start working? Will someone be there to tell them to do their homework or get to work on time? No! They need to learn to manage these things themselves, not rely on you. That’s why they need you and their father to get "off their back" about their grades. They will learn more from failing a course than from you trying to prevent it. Let them know that from now on, their grades are their business, and you will back off.

5. "My stepdaughter, now that she has turned 18, is acting like she's running the house—changing how things are done, taking the mailbox key to make 'her own' copy, and then losing it."

It sounds fairly responsible to make her own copy of a key. If she loses it, she learns by having to make another copy at her own expense. Her "running the house" is her way of preparing to live independently, much like changing how things are done. Allow her some input into family decisions that affect her. This is important for her development and for her feeling cared for.

6. "We get criticized because we aren't acting like cheerleaders—being endlessly interested in what they're interested in and providing an endless stream of positive comments—even when we're not happy with how they're behaving."

You need to step out of the power struggle and be responsible for your own life, not theirs. Applaud their efforts to be responsible, like when they manage to catch the bus on time or get a good grade. When they don't make it, be sympathetic:
"Oh, darn, you missed the bus again. I hope you don't get into too much trouble for being late."
"It must feel frustrating to have such a bad grade when you know you're smarter than that. I bet you can improve if you want."

Don't judge or nag—let their business be their business, not yours.

Reflecting on Your Own Emotions

"I am becoming more and more resentful, and over the last year, I have become more and more distant with them. I just feel like we are 'hunkering down' to get through these last years until they move away."

You may be responding to how the kids feel. Many older teens are just waiting to move out of the house and do things their way. They don't realize these are the last years they will be living with you. Treasure these years—they're the last you'll have, too. One day, believe me, you'll miss the mess!

If you let go of the problems that aren't yours (like getting them to the bus or getting good grades), you’ll feel less resentful, and the kids will start to learn from their mistakes.

Good luck!

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