Whining

I have an 18-month-old son who whines a lot. I don't know what I've done to make him this way. Sometimes I have to neglect things that I need to do around the house because he won't stop whining and follows me everywhere. It just drives me crazy. Is there anything I can do to teach him not to whine?

Understanding the Behavior

We parents often tend to be busy and preoccupied, and kids wouldn't get much attention if it were just up to us. We know in theory that they need lots of love and attention, but in practice, we're busy juggling our jobs and household chores. We hope our kids will sit still and amuse themselves until we're ready to engage with them. But young children need to interact with us for their emotional security and development.

In less "developed" societies, young children go everywhere with their mothers and play around them while they work. In our society, children are often expected to "behave" while we get important things done. But this expectation does not meet their needs.

That whining tone that drives us up the wall serves a purpose: it gets us to interact with our children. So, before we work on how to stop them from whining, let's acknowledge their need to spend time with us—playing, "helping," going places, and just being part of our lives.

Strategies to Reduce Whining

1. Integrate Interaction into Your Day:
   • Allow more time to interact with your son while you do everyday chores. Let him hold a dust cloth and help dust, or use a small broom to help sweep. Sit him on the counter when you cook and let him stir things, or give him plastic containers to play with on the floor beside you.
   • If you must do something he can't participate in, provide him with a video or an interesting toy. However, keep in mind that an 18-month-old's attention span is only about five minutes, so this might not hold his interest for long.
2. Make Routine Activities Fun:
   • When you do things involving your son, like changing his diaper or getting him dressed, allow plenty of time and make the activities enjoyable. Talk and play with him during these moments. Remember, he will only be this young for a very short time, and when it's gone, you can never get it back. Your patience and positive attitude during these interactions shape your relationship with your child, so be patient and positive.
3. Address the Root Cause of Whining:
   • If you give your son positive attention throughout the day, his need to whine for your attention should be reduced. However, some of his whining might come from frustration with expressing himself. At 18 months, children vary in how well they can communicate their needs.
   • When he whines, stop what you're doing, pay attention to him, and ask what he needs. Help him find the right words to express himself, and praise him for communicating clearly. Respond to his needs. If he continues to whine, gently say, "Tell me in words." Again, assist him in finding the right words. As he learns to communicate his needs, his whining may decrease.

Addressing Whining in Older Children

• For Three- or Four-Year-Olds:
  • Whining in older children may be a habit from when they couldn’t express themselves clearly. Ensure they receive plenty of positive attention and opportunities to participate in your daily life. Then, remind them, "Tell me in words. When you whine, I don't know what you want." Keep repeating this message and reward clear communication.
• Encourage Social Interaction:
  • Examine your interactions to ensure your child has enough opportunities to engage with people. At this age, kids need to play with other kids, so arrange playdates or other social opportunities to take some of the pressure off you.

Handling Specific Situations

• If Whining for Ice Cream Before Dinner:
  • Respond positively, "Sure, right after you finish your dinner." Make a mental note that he might need to be fed earlier. Each time your child whines, analyze the situation to identify the genuine need. Find a way to meet that need while encouraging your child to express it clearly in words.

By understanding your child's need for attention and guiding them toward clear communication, you can reduce whining and build a stronger, more positive relationship.